The 10 Most Important Thing That Happened In The NBA Last Night
By Nathan G. O'Brien
Hi, my name is Nathan and I’m an Elite Basketball Mind. Notice
I didn’t say I have an elite
basketball mind. It’s capitalized because it’s an official title. Whether it be
playing, watching, coaching my fantasy team, making dope mixtapes for pre-game
warmups, or being called upon by my friends to determine the legitimacy of a
pair of Jordans or Nikes, I’ve been involved in basketball in some facet for my entire life. Same as with punk rock, rap music, and probably
pro-wrestling, I know all there is to know about basketball. I don’t like to brag about it though because that’s not really my style. Plus people
tend to get intimidated by my wealth of knowledge which makes conversation, partying, and sexual encounters difficult. Even though I’m in a class with guys like Jalen Rose, Mike
Krzysewski, and DeLaSalle Head Coach Dave Thorson, I prefer to maintain a casual,
unassuming persona, as to not alienate pretty much everyone around me at any
given time. Well enough about me. Here’s the 10 most important things that happened
in the NBA last night…
Spike Lee Sat Courtside in Cleveland
Clearly the only thing bigger than Spike’s love of
basketball is his bank account. How this guy continually does shit like this is
beyond me. I can only assume he goes on Craigslist like,
“Hey, this is Spike Lee. I’ve got hella money. I will give some of it to you in exchange for your courtside seat. I mean I got so much money that it will like, change your life homie. I get that it would be fun for you to be courtside at LBJ’s second first home game in Clevo ever but just think about how comfortable it will be watching it from your couch while you’re sittin’ on a cool mil. Hit me up. One Love, Spike.”
LeBron James and
Kevin Love Flexed
The increasingly unlikeable Kevin “Knuckle Pushups” Love
threw a dope full-court pass to the mostly still unlikeable LeBron James which
resulted in not only an easy two points, but these completely likeable bicep-riffic
screen caps that I took with my cell phone.
Mike Miller Had a Hairstyle
Mike Miller continued the longstanding tradition of white
NBA players with fucked-up hair understanding that having fucked-up hair is the
one way for white NBA players to get any sort of attention whatsoever by
coming off the bench looking like Mad Men
meets early ‘90s hip-hop.
Jason Smith Made Me
Aware That He’s a Thing That Exists
Until he did that little dick move to LeBron where you try
to slap the ball away after the whistle has been blown and then acted like he
didn’t do anything at all—even going so far as to say to the ref, “I didn’t do
anything at all”—I had no idea who this big goof of a white guy was. On top of that he sealed the
Cavs loss with a couple free throws. OK, Jason Smith, I see you.
The Cavs Lost
I’m sort of mad at LBJ and chronic weight fluctuation-er Kevin
Love for making me cheer against Kyrie Irving. And also for making it way more
expensive to go see the Cavs when they come to Minneapolis for their matchup with America’sTeam.
I attempted to see Kyrie play in person two seasons ago but
he was hurt. So instead my friend Matt and I kept ourselves entertained by
spending the entire game drinking expensive light beers and talking about whether
or not that curly-haired white guy on the Cavs bench was Luke Walton. We could
have just looked up the roster on our phones but that would’ve ruined the fun. Turns
out it was him and holy shit were we ever overjoyed when he checked in to the
game.
Although it’s not the same type of 2010 Miami Heat hatred, I am casually rooting against the Cavs now. Sorry Kyrie. It’s
not you, it’s me.
Russell Westbrook Channeled His Inner Eddie Murphy
Never mind that Russ fractured is hand last night or that he
attempted confront a Clippers fan who was yelling “UCLA” at him. (I mean, come
one dude, you did go to UCLA and you were in Los Angeles.) That’s nothing
compared to his pre-game arena arrival where he dressed in the most Westbrook-y
of outfits. I don’t think it’s too far a stretch to say he’s one vanity scarf
and a drunk dad joke away from being Eddie Murphy in Raw.
Evan Fournier Had Hair
Potential
Wait, what the fuck year is it? I’d really like to see Evan
continue to grow out the top while still shaving the sides and back. You know, go with the
full-on ‘90s white guy who listens to alternative music hairstyle. There’s a college
freshman who wears Doc Martens and long sleeves under his tee shirts and ties
flannels around his waist still in me somewhere that will really love it.
Paul Pierce Wore a
Wizards Uniform
This is so fucked up. I could handle him on the Nets last
year, mostly because he was still playing with KG and because the Nets unis aren’t
that different from the Celtics. But seeing him in the Wizards uni is like
having a migraine or seizure or taking a hit off of a nitrous balloon; you have
to squint to concentrate and the lights are really bright and there’s a ringing
in your ears and then you black out because you can’t breathe.
Jordan Farmar Played for the Clippers
Aside from a couple seasons Jordan Farmar has somehow
managed to play his entire career in L.A. He played HS ball at Woodland Hills,
went to UCLA and did two stints with the Lakers before landing with the
Clippers this season. Farmar comes to Lob City right from the Fakers, much like
Matt Barnes did in 2012. As a certified
Lakers Hater and an OG Clipper Flipper I can’t not like this.
If you’ve ever been to a Lakers vs. Clippers game you know
that shit’s real. Lakers fans HATE that the Clip Show has taken over L.A. Two
years ago I went to the season kickoff game between the two at the Staples
Center. The Lakers were the home team, so they had all their shit plastered everywhere, including a giant canvas photo of suspected anal rapist Kobe Bryant hanging up outside the arena. I
had my buddy Dan take a picture of me giving it the middle finger before the game and it damn near got me killed. Dan was so scared he didn't want to inside after that.
Zack LaVine Checked Into His First NBA Game
After recording a DNP in America’s Team’s loss to Memphis,
Internet dunk sensation Zack LaVine checked into his first NBA game. He only
played 4 minutes and 30 seconds, resulting in a stats column that would make Mark
Titus proud. But that’s not important. What’s important is that he’s not named J.J. Barea.
Welcome to America’s Team, Big Zach. As they say in your
native Seattle, mass dope!
Honorable Mentions:
Kevin Love started going gray; Trey Burke made me interested in the Utah Jazz for the
first time in, oh, probably forever; Coran Butler and Mo Williams made me
wonder why anyone has ever traded them; and the free League Pass trial brought “Handsome”
Chandler Parsons back into my life after a long summer away from each other.
Oh, and this weird thing happened at the end of the Clippers vs. OKC game...
Have a good weekend, you guys.
Oh, and this weird thing happened at the end of the Clippers vs. OKC game...
